I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
