my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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