just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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