wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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