and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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