im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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