Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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