why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
time to smoke my breakfast
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
