There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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