went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
