I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
