New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
