I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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