My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
