You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
