you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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