his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just want to make out with him forever
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
