Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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