Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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