it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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