I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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