I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
