If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
