the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
