dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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