Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n