Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.