Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it