But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
