Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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