i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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