when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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