I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
