Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
