remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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