i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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