Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
