i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
