Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
