we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
