i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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