Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
