hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
