My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
