If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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