I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
