3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
