Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
