Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
