he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
