Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
