i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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