Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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