At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
