is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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