I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
