Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
