At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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