is your mom at the bar?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
