Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
