his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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