my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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